Why Do I Keep People-Pleasing?
Why Do I Keep People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing can develop when keeping other people happy starts to feel connected to keeping yourself safe.
The short answer
If disagreement, anger, rejection or disappointment felt threatening in the past, you may have learned to pay close attention to what other people need and adjust yourself to prevent conflict.
That can look like:
- saying yes when you want to say no
- apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong
- changing your opinion to avoid disagreement
- feeling responsible for someone’s mood
- becoming anxious when someone is upset with you
- putting your needs aside to keep the peace
It can happen so automatically that you realize what you wanted only after you’ve already agreed to something else.
When keeping the peace becomes automatic.
People-pleasing is not a clinical diagnosis.
It can come from many places. But when it develops around threatening or unpredictable relationships, appeasing another person can become a way of reducing conflict and protecting yourself.
Research on responses to interpersonal threat has identified appeasement as a measurable response associated with traumatic experiences and PTSD symptoms.
A strategy that once helped you navigate difficult relationships can become exhausting when you continue using it everywhere.
Flow’s perspective
How Flow looks at it.
We don’t just tell you to set better boundaries.
We look at what makes saying “no” feel difficult in the first place.
If disappointing someone feels unsafe, the problem goes deeper than knowing what a boundary is.
Flow’s approach
How Flow works with it.
We work on the fear underneath the people-pleasing so having your own needs feels safer.
That may involve EMDR or parts-informed therapy when the pattern is connected with earlier experiences.
The goal isn’t to stop caring about other people.
It’s to care about them without having to abandon yourself.
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