Why Am I Always Trying to Keep Everyone Happy?
Why Am I Always Trying to Keep Everyone Happy?
Trying to keep everyone happy can become a way of keeping yourself safe.
The short answer
If anger, disappointment or conflict has felt threatening in the past, you may have learned to closely watch other people’s moods and quickly adjust yourself to keep things calm.
You might:
- notice immediately when someone’s mood changes
- try to fix tension before anyone asks
- change what you say to avoid upsetting someone
- feel uncomfortable when someone is disappointed in you
- put your own feelings aside to keep the peace
It can start to feel like:
“If everyone else is okay, then I can be okay.”
Keeping the peace can become automatic.
This pattern is sometimes described as appeasement or, more informally, a “fawn” response.
The important part isn’t the label. It’s understanding the function.
If being agreeable, helpful or easygoing reduced conflict in the past, your system may have learned:
Keeping people happy = staying safe.
Peer-reviewed research has examined appeasement as a measurable response associated with traumatic experiences and PTSD symptoms.
Caring about other people’s feelings is healthy.
The problem is when their emotional state determines whether you feel safe.
Flow’s perspective
How Flow looks at it.
We don’t try to make you care less about people.
We look at why someone else’s disappointment, anger or discomfort feels like something you need to immediately fix.
Flow’s approach
How Flow works with it.
We work on the fear underneath the need to keep everyone happy.
That may involve EMDR or parts-informed therapy when the pattern connects with earlier experiences.
The goal isn’t to become selfish.
It’s to let other people have their feelings without always having to change yourself to manage them.
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